To Rhûn and Back Again: A Fangirl's Tale
by The Butterbeer Sisterhood
Summary: Lady Zelli and Queen Tanni recount their experiences of the Mission to Rhûn and the Battle of the Crown. Features rum, drinking songs, mind control, and lots of angst and fluff.
1. The Beginning

**To Rhûn and Back Again: A Fangirl's Tale**

**Chapter:** One   
**Title:** The Beginning   
**Author:** Zelli 

- - - - - - - - - - 

Tanni and Zelli hadn't really meant to chronicle their mission to Rhûn, as it is still a rather sensitive subject for the both of them. But when Tanni ran across the following MemeGen, things started snowballing. 

Movie Partners (Girls Only!) by churchbabe   
**Your Username** - Tinuviel06   
**Lord of the Rings Partner** - Aragorn   
**Star Wars Partner** - Mace Windu   
**Pirates of the Caribbean Partner** - Captain Jack Sparrow   
**Finding Nemo Partner** - Nigel   
**Harry Potter Partner** - Severus Snape 

Not to be outdone, Zelli went and took the MemeGen herself. 

Movie Partners (Girls Only!) by churchbabe   
**Your Username** - Azurial   
**Lord of the Rings Partner** - Éomer   
**Star Wars Partner** - Mace Windu   
**Pirates of the Caribbean Partner** - Will Turner   
**Finding Nemo Partner** - Gill   
**Harry Potter Partner** - Harry Potter 

This would have been fine and dandy if Zelli hadn't decided to shoot of her mouth with the following comment... 

> Pokies Tanni Haha... have your man... and Will... and Harry... haha... my harem comes at my beck and call...

Well... suffice to say, Tanni was rather annoyed with Zelli's little comment. 

> Gasp Tears well up in eyes ........NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! That's okay... SNIFF! ... I know that he wouldn't leave me willingly......You lured, wounded, drugged, then dragged him off to some god-forsaken hidey-hole DIDN'T YOU!!!!!! GIVE MAH BABY BACK!!!! 
> 
> Charges into hidey-place on mighty steed. We duel with light-sabres, and I'm about to lose when...da da daaah!.... my Rohirrim come to back up their Queen and save their King from the EVIL Tempress Zelli! "Yay! Victory at last!" we shout, but in our huzzah-ing we don't see you sneak away to your bat-mobile and zoom off into the night.

Anyway, they suddenly realized how similar this was to the beginning of their mission to Rhûn. Zelli had invited Éomer over to her castle in Anfalas to plot a few things for Tanni's birthday, which _was_ roughly ten months away, but it never hurt to start planning early. Tanni had received some rather disturbing news from some of her people and something in Rhûn seemed to be the source of the problem. But when Tanni was gathering her éored together, she'd been unable to find her husband. A little birdie told her that Éomer was at Zelli's castle and Tanni took it the wrong way somewhat. She charged in right when Zelli and Éomer were eating sundaes and well... everything went from there. 

Zelli and Tanni started reminiscing about that particular mission and decided it might prove to be valuable to future generations if they recorded their experience. And so, thus followed, _To Rhûn and Back Again: A Fangirl's Tale_. 


	2. A Light Battle

**To Rhûn and Back Again: A Fangirl's Tale**

**Chapter:** Two   
**Title:** A Light Battle   
**Author:** Zelli 

- - - - - - - - - - 

Zelli, the Spoon Magess, the Mistress of the Sheets aboard the Good Ship Coiled Mushroom, was about to wiggle her toes at Éomer when his bleeding wife appeared. How Tanni found her very well hidden castle was beyond her at the moment. She thought she'd just reinforced the shield spell against Snap Mages the other day... 

"Awwww... come on Tanni... ACK!" 

Zelli ducked the lightsaber beam that sliced at her head. A deep scorch mark was etched into the smooth stone of the courtyard. Zelli rolled away and appeared on her feet a few yards away. Dusting off her deep lavender tunic almost absentmindedly, she studied Tanni for a second. 

"Fine. If you want it that way." 

Zelli snapped her fingers and her own lightsaber appeared in her right hand. She squeezed the pressure points that activated it and a single beam shot out the top. _tzip_ It was a delightful shade of purple. Of course, she could have used her two-beamed lightsaber, but she wasn't in an evil mood today. Zelli twirled her lightsaber expertly as she warmed up for the ensuing duel. _vvvooommmm vvvvvvooooommmm_ She took a ready stance and threw Tanni a half amused, half 'come and get me' look. 

"Prepare to eat light sparkles." 

A mighty duel ensued. Many of the innocent plants that lined the walls of Zelli's courtyard were slain, and several scars were added to the already heavily battle scarred stonewalls. Zelli was about to make the finishing stroke when the sound of thundering hooves could be heard. For a moment she didn't realize what it is. Then it hit her. 

"NO! Not the Rohirrim!" 

Turning off her lightsaber, Zelli ducked aside as horses stampeded through the courtyard of her castle. When the dust settled, Éomer and Tanni were seated astride the extra horse the Rohirrim brought. Of course, Tanni had the reigns. 

"Fine. Take your man Tanni. You win this time." 

Zelli snapped her fingers and Éomer and the rest of the Rohirrim suddenly couldn't hear. She gave Tanni a level stare. 

"Just make sure you don't get killed on the way home. Don't need my favorite adversary and best friend getting knocked off." 

She snapped again and hearing was once again restored. Zelli bowed, her dark hair brushing her shoulders. 

"Until next time." 

She twiddled her fingers at Éomer. 

"Bye bye King of the Riddlemark. T'was fun while it lasted." 

With a signal from Tanni the whole éored of Rohirrim turned as one and rode off. As they crested the hill on the road away from Zelli's castle, Zelli was amused to see Tanni turn around on her horse and make a point of kissing Éomer soundly on the lips. Zelli smiled. She hoped Tanni enjoyed the chocolate sauce she'd left there. 

Zelli wasn't highly annoyed however. She still had Will and Harry. Hmmmm... she was in the mood for a little sword and wand dueling. Maybe at the same time... She put her lightsaber away with a snap and put her boots back on with another. She had to go find her rapier and spoon staff. 


	3. The Battle Wages On

**To Rhûn and Back Again: A Fangirl's Tale**

**Chapter:** Three   
**Title:** The Battle Wages On   
**Author:** Tanni 

- - - - - - - - - - 

Tanni turned in her seat and kissed Éomer triumphantly on the lips. But what's this? His kisses were normally sweet but... not this sweet... chocolate syrup?! 

Hard lines formed on her face. With a swift, decisive flick on her hand, she had the entire host of the Rohirrim headed back to the castle. 

She spotted Zelli's retreating form. 

"Daro, wight!" 

Zelli stopped, spun, and looked at the approaching éored with an amused look on her face. 

"Elen síla lumenn' omentielzo." [A star shines on the hour of our meeting.] 

Tanni scowled at her from atop the horse. 

"Dwimmer laik." 

Zelli cast a sly smile at Éomer, who was attempting to stay out of this word game at all costs. 

"That's not a very commendable thing to say, 'Mother'," ((referring to Tanni's title as "Ship's Mother/Nurse")) 

"Enough of this!" Tanni's eyes blazed and sparked with anger. She knew her opponent's weaknesses and strengths, and she planned to use her knowledge to the best of her ability. 

"Wo what brings you back to my lovely little abode?" 

Zelli smirked and bowed mockingly. 

"Chocolate syrup?!" Tanni attempted to get off of the horse wanting dearly to smite the saucy smile Zelli kept sending to Éomer off her impish little face. Alas, her dear husband was holding her firmly in front of him with his arm. She sighed, not knowing what to do. 

A bud of an idea blossomed in her 'gee-whiz' bag. She swiftly raised her hand and concentrated, touching her powers. 

"Wha--!!! Let me down!" 

Tanni opened her eyes to see that she had succeeded in her plans. 

The Force held Zelli aloft in the air, flapping around in attempt to get down. 

Zelli fumbled with a fold in her lavender tunic, the withdrew a wooden stick... uh oh... 

"Duck!" 

A stream of sparks flicked through the air and the marching of many minions could be heard. 

"Oh, Eru." 


	4. Come Forth My Children!

**To Rhûn and Back Again: A Fangirl's Tale**

**Chapter:** Four   
**Title:** Come Forth My Children!   
**Author:** Zelli 

- - - - - - - - - - 

Suffice to say, Zelli hadn't quite anticipated the potential of being suspending in mid-air. And while floating roughly twelve feet off the ground was pretty fun, there were other matters at hand that Zelli wished to deal with, namely her duels with Will and Harry. Now... where was her wand? 

Zelli fumbled with the side seam of her tunic for a few seconds before she finally located the slender column of wood that was her wand. 13 inches of rowan wood with an oak handle with thorn inlays. (Thorn wood, not poky thorns.) The core of the wand was a tail feather from the phoenix of Zelli's old mentor, the only feather that noble phoenix ever gave. A ring of small focusing crystals of deep purple was inlaid at the top of the handle, causing a flash of lavender light as Zelli gave the wand a decisive flick. A beam of golden and purple sparkles shot from the end of the wand and struck the top of the tallest tower of Zelli's castle. 

_Oh, Eru..._

Zelli cast a smirk at Tanni. Oh, yes, the Rohirrim queen knew what was coming. With Tanni momentarily distracted, Zelli struck out at the power holding her up in the air with her own Force. Force canceled Force and Zelli began to descend back to the ground with an acceleration of -9.8 m/s². AKA, she started to fall. But it was only a twelve-foot drop, easily survived. With a second flick of her wand, this one almost casual and nonchalant, Zelli slowed her decent and landed gracefully on her feet. Raising her arms, she presented the army that was gathering behind her. 

"Behold, my minions, my children!" 

The timing was perfect. The moment the spell had struck the point of the tower a call had run through the castle itself, calling Zelli's minions to come protect their mistress. From the depths of her castle the came, marching in ranks 100 wide and 25 deep, the bright sunlight glistening on their dull white backs. 

A collective gasp run through the eored. This group of soldiers had seen many armies, both fair and as ugly as something from the underside of a rock. But nothing like the one that was gathering now behind the young magess. Finally one rider snickered. 

"Spoons? Her army's a bunch of spoons?!" 

Tanni snapper around and glared at the rider. Under his queen's gaze he quelled and sank into his saddle. "Never underestimate a magess," Tanni rebuked, "Especially this one, Gilligan. She's a -_insert highly unflattering elvish and Rohirrim words here_- and in her hands the simplest things become dangerous weapons." Snapping back around, Tanni started to regret bringing this particular rider with her. He was young and rather inexperienced, though he certainly attempted to make up for these in battle spirit. 

Steel yourselves Eorlings," Tanni said as she drew forth her sword Gwaelindë. At the same time, Zelli tucked her wand away and snapped her own sword into her right hand. And while it appeared that the sword was much too large for such a person to wield, Zelli held her sword in much the same way she had her light saber. The blade was of fine elvish workmanship and sharp enough to mark stone and not dull. The golden pommel was set with a bright purple stone and elvish runes running up and down the blade marked it as a spell-casting sword. In the books of lore this sword was known as "Binder" for many fell creatures had been defeated and bound with its powers. But when Zelli had received the sword from her mentor, she had dubbed it "Elennar" or "star-fire," for in battle it would shine with the blaze of a star. 

Both women raised their swords at the same instant. In sync, they leveled them at the other and roared, "CHARGE!!!" Like two waves clashing in the midst of a storm, the eored and the spoon minions met in mighty battle. 


	5. A Great Evil Rises

**To Rhûn and Back Again: A Fangirl's Tale**

**Chapter:** Five   
**Title:** A Great Evil Rises   
**Author:** Tanni 

- - - - - - - - - - 

It was a mighty battle. The snaps of spoons and screams of men filled the air. 

Tanni looked around in disbelief. What was the point of the squall anyway? 

"Daro! Cease fire! Stop!" 

Slowly the Rohirrim ceased their attacks on the... um... spoons. 

Zelli, a bit confused, halted her army's attack as well. 

"What? Is it surrender?" 

Tanni rolled her eyes. Like she would SURRENDER! 

"Dream on. Naw, I figure that we could put these wondrous armies to a greater use." 

Zelli tilter her head and gave Tanni a level look. 

"So what do you propose we do?" 

Tanni could see that the wench clearly did not trust her. She sighed and, again, attempted to dismount. Éomer pulled her in tighter. 

"Melamin, please do not do anything rash." 

Tanni turned in her seat to look Éomer in the eye. 

"Fear not, I shall return unscathed." She placed a tender kiss on his lips and gave him a small, loving smile. He reluctantly loosened his grip on her and she slid off of the horse. Tanni could see the grip tighten on Zelli's sword, and the young magess narrowed her eyes. 

"Before my husband was abducted, and this quarrel began, this host was on its way to the land of Rhûn. A great evil, more powerful than Sauron, is growing there." 

Tanni gestured to the gathered troops. 

"With this grand assembly, and our powers, there'd be no stopping us. What say you, Zelli?" 

Zelli reflected upon this proposal. 

"How can I be sure this is no Rohirrim trick?" 

Tanni put her hand to her heart, swept it to the side and bowed. 

"On my honor as a snap magess, Jedi and Queen." 

The spoon magess looked at the young queen, infiltrating her mind, searching for any hint of deceit. Of course, no lies or treachery were to be found. 

"Alright, we have an accord." 

The two shook hands then went back to their own armies. 

"Gents, saddle-up and move out! Set course for the land of Rhûn! Noralmet Rohirrim!" 

A great thundering resounded across the open land as the Rohirrim raced off to unknown lands. 

"Well, are you coming?" 

Tanni gave Zelli an expectant look as the last of her eored rode out. 

Zelli nodded, snapped herself a horse, mounted and bowed her head to the king and queen. 

"Shall we?" 

Tanni smiled and returned the bow. 

"All for wrath!" 

Zelli smiled, acknowledging the old saying. 

"All for ruin!" 

Tanni faced forward and spurred her horse. 

"Bring me that horizon." 

The horse sprang forward and quickly caught up with the rest of the eored. Behind them came the Spoon Magess Zelli, followed closely by her spoon minions. 


	6. Campfires and Drinking Songs

**To Rhûn and Back Again: A Fangirl's Tale**

**Chapter:** Six   
**Title:** Campfires and Drinking Songs   
**Author:** Zelli 

- - - - - - - - - - 

Zelli's castle soon faded into the distance as the two armies rode east toward Rhûn. Normally, it would take roughly two weeks to travel the distance from Zelli's castle in Anfalas to Minas Tirith, if they were hurrying, but Zelli and Tanni, with some carefully timed snap jumps could cut the time in half. Of course, if they really concentrated, they could snap all the way to Rhûn. But where was the fun in that? 

After about three days of riding, the two armies had covered roughly two hundred and fifty miles (half of the distance, of course, being covered with snap jumps). Some of the Rohirrim had become severely disoriented by the last jump so Zelli and Tanni had decided to rest for a day at Ethir Anduin, the mouth of the Auduin River. Many of the riders simply took naps in the grass, but several set up a series of horse races along the sandy banks of the river. A few of the riders wanted to joust, but Tanni stated that the damage to men and armor was not worth it. 

Zelli's spoon minions simply stuck themselves in the ground and sunned. 

As night approached, several large bonfires were set up. Zelli somehow produced a large number of hotdogs, marshmallows, graham crackers and chocolate bars, while Tanni dug out the rum stock. The spoon minions, needing no nourishment simply went to sleep while the Rohirrim, Éomer, Tanni and Zelli stated eating, drinking and being merry. 

Before long, Zelli and Tanni broke into song. (What do you expect when you give two Yanks chocolate and rum?) 

> _(singing)_ : Tanni   
Well a man come on the 6 o'clock news   
Said somebody's been shot, somebody's been abused   
Somebody blew up a building   
Somebody stole a car   
Somebody didn't get too far, yeah   
They didn't get too far...

Of course, Éomer and the Rohirrim simply looked confused and shook their heads. 

> _(singing)_ : Zelli   
Grandpappy told my pappy, back in my day, son   
A man had to answer for the wicked that he done   
Take all the rope in Texas   
Find a tall oak tree   
Round up all of them bad boys   
Hang them high in the street   
For all the people to see

Having heard the song before and knowing full well what was coming, Éomer rolled his eyes. 

> _(singing)_ : Both   
Justice is the one thing you should always find   
You got to saddle up your boys   
You got to draw a hard line   
When the gun smoke settles we'll sing a victory tune   
And we'll all met back at the local saloon   
We'll raise up our glasses against evil forces   
Singing, "whiskey for my men, beer for my horses!"

The Rohirrim that hadn't heard the song before simply gawked, scandalized, as Éomer shook his head. Giving beer to horses? It was so wrong! 

> _(singing)_ : Tanni   
We've got too many gangsters doing dirty deeds   
We've got too much corruption, too much crime in the streets   
_(singing)_ : Zelli   
It's time the long arm of the law, put a few more in the ground   
Send them all to their maker and he'll settle 'em down   
You can bet he'll set 'em down, 'cause...

By this point Éomer and half the Rohirrim had stopped listening. The other half still hadn't quite figured out what the song was about, either because they were asleep, complete drunk or imbeciles (the 'imbeciles' only applying to Gilligan). 

> _(singing)_ : Both   
Justice is the one thing you should always find   
You got to saddle up your boys   
You got to draw a hard line   
When the gun smoke settles we'll sing a victory tune   
And we'll all met back at the local saloon   
We'll raise up our glasses against evil forces   
Singing, "whiskey for my men, beer for my horses!"   
{Repeat}

"You know Tanni," Zelli said as she finished off her third mug of rum, "If we want to head out early tomorrow, it might be a good idea to send the eored to bed now." 

Tanni chuckled as she finished off her fourth mug. "True, true, though some of them won't be happy." She snapped her fingers and all the rum went back to its hiding place (that mystic void where all snapped items go). The eored groaned like little children, but a swift glare from their queen sent them all to their bed rolls. 

"Very good Tanni," Zelli said as she headed off to her private tent, "You've really got that 'Go To Bed Now!' glare down. That's a must for all mums... and wives..." 

Tanni simply grinned as she dragged a half-asleep Éomer to the royal tent. 

**A/N:** Drinking song is "Beer for my Horses" by Toby Keith and Willie Nelson 


	7. Ruddy Rangers

**To Rhûn and Back Again: A Fangirl's Tale**

**Chapter:** Seven   
**Title:** Ruddy Rangers   
**Author:** Tanni 

- - - - - - - - - - 

The next morning, everyone was ready for the second leg of our journey, hoping to reach Minas Tirith by nightfall. After the third snap voyage, around a fourth of the way to Minas Tirith, Zelli stopped and looked around suspiciously. 

"What is it?" Tanni asked, also reining in her horse, glancing about her. 

"We're being followed," she answered curtly, narrowing her eyes. Zelli suddenly looked toward some shrubbery, and she motioned for a couple of her spoons to charge. 

The spoons disappeared, and silence took the gathering. Suddenly three dark-clad men leapt from the dense shrubbery yelling out in pain as the kamikaze spoons bravely attacked blow for blow. Zelli again motioned to the spoons, who deceased their attack. 

Tanni, Éomer and Zelli all dismounted and cautiously bust sternly walked over to the three men. They painfully stood, groaning as newly gained bruises were bumped and stretched. 

"State your purpose!" Éomer barked, planting his feet firmly on the ground and crossing his arms. 

The three men threw back their hoods, revealing their identities. 

"Elladan? Elrohir? Aragorn?!" Tanni exclaimed in surprise. 

"Hello Tanni!" Elrohir said as he gave a quick hug to his old friend. "How do you fair?" 

"Good. Why were you following us?" Tanni asked. 

Elladan, Elrohir and Aragorn looked at each other. Something was most definitely wrong. 

"What is it?" Zelli asked, searching the eyes of the three rangers. 

"It is not safe to speak freely hear. A great evil roams. We have lingered here too long." Aragorn replied, casting a wary glance over his shoulder. 

"I understand," Zelli answered. "Tanni?" 

"Of course. Osgiliath or Minas Tirith?" Tanni asked, gathering her troops around her. 

"Osgiliath would be best," Elladan spoke up. "Too many Dark Friends roam the streets of Minas Tirith unknown." 

"Right. Okay, everyone gather..." Zelli said. 

-SNAP- 

The three rangers stumbled as they landed in Osgiliath. The Rohirrim and spoons, being fully used to it by now, landed gently with merely a shake of the head. 

"Rooms will be arranged for you," Aragorn said. "Freshen up and meet us back here in an hour's time." He bowed and left with the two elves. 

After washing away the traveling grime, Tanni and Éomer left for the meeting spot. They found Zelli already there, casually leaning against a tall pillar. 

"What took you so long?" she asked, raising a questioning eyebrow, while looking at her nails. 

"It's been not half and hour." Éomer replied. "We're early!" 

"I told you!" Tanni said, rolling her eyes in mock exasperation. 

The remaining time was waited out silently. 

Bang on the dot, Aragorn, Elladan and Elrohir appeared. 

"Come with us quickly," Aragorn said, motioning with his hand. "There is much to speak about." 

**A/N:** Guess what! We got our first flame. -happily roasts a marshmallow- 'Course, if the persons had left something better than a little poem, we might actually feel bad. But as there's a big fat warning/disclaimer in our profile, we need say no more. But Kudos to Lessa! A'least someone appreciates us. 


End file.
